Silence. Sometimes it is louder than any words. Especially when you ask an important question and all you hear in response is silence. Or when you try to talk about your feelings and your partner closes like an oyster. Sound familiar?
Why is this happening? Why do some men, even those who love and care, close themselves in their emotional fortress? And what can be done about it? Let’s find out.
Why is he silent?
Once I worked with a couple in counseling where the woman complained: “He never talks about his feelings. It’s like he doesn’t care.” But when we started to look into it, it turned out that her husband didn’t know how to do it. He grew up in a family where emotions were something of a luxury – they were not talked about, they were hidden. And now, even if he wanted to say something, the words would not come out.
This is not uncommon. Many men have been taught this since childhood: “Guys don’t cry,” “You’re a man, keep it together.” And so they do, as adults. Until the moment when it starts to destroy their relationships.
What is hidden behind the silence?
- Fear is the fear of appearing weak, of being misunderstood.
- Helplessness – “I don’t know how to explain it, so I’d rather keep quiet.”
- It’s a habit – “I’ve always done it this way, and it’s okay, we live.”
- Anger or resentment – sometimes silence is a way to punish a partner without resorting to scandals.
And this is where the fun begins. While we women often look for subtext in silence (and sometimes invent it), men often do not even realize that their silence can be a problem.
What to do?
The first thing I want to say is that you shouldn’t try to force feelings out of him. It’s like pushing a lever that’s jammed. You can break it. Instead, try to understand what is behind this silence. Sometimes it is enough to say: “I can see that something is bothering you. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
However, there are other ways. For example, create a safe space for conversation. It is much easier to establish rapport when the conversation takes place during a joint activity, such as a walk, cooking, or even repairing a home. Sometimes it’s easier to say something important when you’re not looking at each other, but in the same direction.
But there is also good news
Silence is not a sentence. It’s just a habit that can be changed. And when a man starts to open up, it usually becomes the beginning of a new level in the relationship. However, this requires effort from both of you. Sometimes it takes professional help.
